Christa: The Enneagram really allows us to go a lot deeper, a lot faster into seeing, “What are each of these spouses’ core fear and their core gifts and the core issues blocking them so that they can truly learn what’s going on underneath some of the maladaptive behaviors?” 

Exploring the Enneagram Toward Deeper Relationships: Christa Hardin & Bill and Kristi Gaultiere – Episode #388

Narrator: Welcome to the Jesus Calling Podcast. The Enneagram system is a widely accepted personality model that offers deep insight into our core driving motivations, opening up exciting possibilities in the prediction and understanding of human behavior. As a doorway to self-discovery and self-awareness, the Enneagram is also a powerful tool for spiritual transformation that can replenish our energy toward our relationship with God and others. 

This week podcaster and counselor Christa Hardin shares how she’s used the Enneagram as a tool to help couples communicate better and learn more about each other so that they can learn to grow together. Doctors of psychology, Bill and Kristi Gaultiere, share how we can use the Enneagram to deepen our relationship with God by learning more about emotions and personalities. Let’s begin with Christa.

Christa Hardin: What I really have enjoyed about the Enneagram is, as a clinical assessor for many years, I used to have to get scrappy with all these different forms and assessments, and the Enneagram really allows us to go a lot deeper. So it’s just been a great, helpful tool to assist people with some of the things that often go unnoticed or unsaid in their busy lives. 

What the Enneagram Does for Couples

The Enneagram gives us lasting impact in the ways that once you learn your type, you are just at the beginning of the journey of delving into all the layers. And I have found it to be more expansive than other tools because we’re able to do these dives together and to sit with our type for a while. 

Sometimes it even feels a little bit like somebody opened your mail when you first learn your Enneagram type. Maybe you’re listening and you know that feeling, or maybe you’re still discovering your type, but when you do, there can be a sense of, Wow, I can’t believe somebody knows me this well and can see my strength. 

When I first looked at the Enneagram, I just came away as, Oh, I’m an Enneagram Type 7. But my dear friend Carlo, one of my fellow therapists at Wheaton College when we were in grad school together, said, “This is a really good tool and it dives deeper. Give it another look.” And once I did, I realized this is an ongoing gift to me to be able to not only use it with my clients, but to keep looking at that seven piece or whatever your type piece is and to say, “How can I keep growing when I know that I’ve got this propensity for overdoing, I got this propensity for gluttony, for not being satisfied.” And taking time to really sit with that and look at how we can do our emotional work with God and really spend time with God is ultimately a huge part of the long term growth that you’re going to be doing more and more and more of as you study yourself and what makes you tick and what makes you kind of fall apart. 

It’s so interesting that there are actually forty-five pairings in the Enneagram couples’ world because you could have a type one with a one, and so on and so forth all the way through type nine. The greatest, fun part of this journey of helping couples with the Enneagram, for me, has been learning that every single one of these forty-five pairings has a strength together and has a shadow together, and that you see the nuances. When you start working with enough couples, you start realizing, Oh my gosh, all these two/five couples or these eight/nine couples—which are both very common pairings, by the way—are working in this direction. It is such a beautiful undertaking to see that when we ask, What are the best pairings? we realize every single one has these gifts and you could take it all the way up and be just working your best for the Lord within those gifts. 

When we have to do our immersing work together as a couple, whatever our pairing, and really do this exploration of, “What is it that I could grow in as a person? And what about you? Where are we from? And how did these underlying even sins get started and take hold in our lives?”So there’s a lot of digging. 

I think that it’s important that couples realize that they can shine even more beautifully as they walk through these seasons together with faithfulness and learn about one another’s types, learn about how one another thrives, what makes each other feel safe and secure, what makes one another feel like a bit of a basket case. And so instead of just trying to change one another, which we will inevitably do as we merge, but as we really allow for compassion to settle in, we more just love our spouses with who they are. 

“I think that it’s important that couples realize that they can shine even more beautifully as they walk through these seasons together with faithfulness and learn about one another’s types, learn about how one another thrives, what makes each other feel safe and secure, what makes one another feel like a bit of a basket case.” – Christa Hardin 

When you can hold those things together, you can allow each other to be imperfect and you can say, “Oh, I get it that you struggle. Let me build into you. Let me offer you grace. Let me speak truth into your life. There’s no condemnation for you. You are so beloved.” 

Becoming Better by Using Our Unique Gifts Together

What happens when couples start to go deep in their marriage and really learn about themselves and what makes them tick and where their stumbling blocks are, they’re able to have more grace-filled conversations to be able to say, “You know, here’s our goals, here’s where our family’s at, here’s what I am looking at for a life purpose, here’s what you’re looking at.”

For example, maybe I decide that I need to go back to work, but my spouse needs to come home for a little while. And how are we going to manage what’s happening in these seasons so that each of us feels safe, each of us feels good, each of us feels loved. And it might be very tangible things, like this personality type is going to need date nights, and this one over here is going to need more loving gestures because they’re a heart type, and this one over here, you know—so you can kind of nuance as you get to know one another’s personalities more. Instead of having all these long-winded conversations 24/7 about conflict, you start to get better at understanding who each of you are and what each of you needs at a much faster pace. 

How can we make sure that we’re still managing our goals together here in this or that area of finances or sexual intimacy or communication while honoring who we’re each created to be? And allow these pieces of leadership to come in and allow these pieces of artistry and creativity to come in and to know that, to be able to say, “I know I have this gift, you have this gift, and together we’re better because we can use them both.”

Time and Space Together with God

It’s so lovely to have time and space with God every day to journal, to pray, to be in the Word, to really allow God’s Word to refresh us, to trust Him that though pain lasts through the night, joy comes in the morning. 

“It’s so lovely to have time and space with God every day to journal, to pray, to be in the Word, to really allow God’s Word to refresh us, to trust Him that though pain lasts through the night, joy comes in the morning.” – Christa Hardin 

I think that’s one of my biggest passion pieces around the Enneagram glow is to say there’s all kinds of seasons of marriage. It’s okay that sometimes you’re walking together through the shadows and that God is truly uplifting you even more than you’re lifting one another up, and it’s that three strand cord at that point. 

A lot of times I think most spouses really try to make their spouse their be-all, end-all support, and it’s so easy to do that and yet they’re humans, too. And so being able to rely on God means even when my spouse isn’t perfect, even though the work is, we can get to some of it quick and hack through, but some of it is going to be ongoing. 

I love Jesus Calling. I’ve enjoyed this devotional many times over the years, as have my kids, and it’s such a gift. I know the late Sarah Young has blessed so many millions of people with just her connections to God and sometimes just reading prayers rhythmically. There’s a beauty to liturgy, to being able to pray with other saints. And just to be able to hold that, to know that when we’re tired and weary, we can come to Him, these are the very best gifts that we can truly embrace. 

Jesus Listens, July 17th: 

My great God,

Sometimes the relationship You offer me seems too good to be true. You pour Your very Life into me, and all I have to do is receive You. In a world characterized by working and taking, Your directive to rest and receive seems too easy. However, I’ve discovered that there’s a close connection between believing and receiving. As I grow to trust You more fully, I am able to receive You and Your blessings abundantly. 

O Lord, I long to be still in Your Presence—and know that You are God. 

In Your blessed Name, Jesus, 

Amen

Narrator: To learn more about Christa Hardin, check out her new book, The Enneagram in Marriage: Your Guide to Thriving Together in Your Unique Pairing, at your favorite retailer. 

Stay tuned to Bill & Kristi Gaultiere’s story after a brief message.

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Our next guests are Bill and Kristi Gaultiere, doctors of psychology and the founders of Soul Shepherding, a ministry designed to help leaders, pastors, and churches thrive in their emotional and relational health. Bill and Kristi share how the Enneagram personality test can be used as a tool to connect us closer to those we love and to God.  

Bill Gaultiere: My name is Bill Gaultiere. I’m a psychologist, and with Kristi, I’m the author of Healthy Feelings, Thriving Faith and the founder of Soul Shepherding. 

Kristi Gaultiere: And my name is Kristi Gaultiere. Bill and I have been blessed to serve God together for thirty-seven years. 

Bill: People are seeking Jesus to help them grow in emotional and relational health everywhere around the planet, but we struggle with stress overload, spiritual dryness, or feeling alone in life and in leadership. And so we want to learn how to be more helpful to other people, better leaders, more loving in our relationships, more effective in ministry. 

Bringing Our Emotions Honestly to God

Kristi: It’s so important that we are healthy emotionally in order to be whole and healthy and holy and thrive in our relationship with Jesus. What we tend to do is we tend to maybe treat our emotions as an unwanted, whiny child. We want to quiet them, get rid of them. They’re annoying us, they’re a problem, they’re in the way, but that’s not the way Jesus views us. 

Jesus welcomes, He blesses that emotional child. And as we bring our emotions honestly, intimately into relationship with Jesus, it results really in us growing in our emotional intelligence and experiencing the positive emotions of the gifts He’s given us, which emotions they move us, they motivate us, they enable us to thrive in our life with Jesus.

“As we bring our emotions honestly, intimately into relationship with Jesus, it results really in us growing in our emotional intelligence and experiencing the positive emotions of the gifts He’s given us, which emotions they move us, they motivate us, they enable us to thrive in our life with Jesus.” – Kristi Gaultiere

Bill: Cultivating healthy feelings is such an important key to a healthy faith, and the Enneagram is just a great tool to help us be healthy in our emotions, relationships, and spirituality, particularly when we take a Jesus-centered and a Biblical approach to the Enneagram, that’s when God can really use this tool to bring transformation in our lives. 

“Cultivating healthy feelings is such an important key to a healthy faith, and the Enneagram is just a great tool to help us be healthy in our emotions, relationships, and spirituality, particularly when we take a Jesus-centered and a Biblical approach to the Enneagram, that’s when God can really use this tool to bring transformation in our lives.” – Bill Gaultiere 

An example from the Bible is the story of Peter, he was surely an Enneagram Type 6, a loyalist or guardian, and he was so devoted to Jesus in his heart. He so much wanted to always do the right thing and follow Jesus’ teachings and be faithful to Jesus, and he was the lead apostle of the twelve and Jesus really counted on him. But Peter had some lessons to learn, and the Enneagram helps us to understand Peter’s discipleship process. 

So when Peter famously denied Jesus, even knowing Him, in the Garden of Gethsemane, and he was just broken with guilt and despair. Why did he do that when he was such a faithful, loyalist disciple of Jesus and he was so strong? And what caused him to deny Jesus? Well, he was relying on his own strength instead of the Lord God. 

And the wording of the Enneagram that we use for each of the nine personality types, we identify an emotional alarm. Peter’s emotional alarm was he was looking to the safety net, that’s what sixes do in anxiety or stress. They’re like that tightrope walker that loses sight of the goal, and that’s the key when you’re a tightrope walker, you need to look ahead and you can stay on that tightrope, but if you start looking down to the safety nets because you’re afraid to fall, then you’re surely going to fall. And that’s what Peter did. He was relying on his sword, that was his safety net, his own strength. He was securing himself there in the Garden of Gethsemane and he’s going to fight for Jesus, fight for Israel, fight for his own survival. And that’s why he fell and denied his Lord. 

But thankfully, he had a great recovery that Jesus helped him with. And again, our understanding of the Enneagram can really give insight into Peter’s growth in health and in love here, because this Jesus, the risen Jesus, now meets Peter on the beach. And so Peter comes up and then Jesus says, “Peter, do you love me?” Peter says, “Yes, Lord, you know that I love you.” “Peter, do you love me?” “Yes, Lord. You know all things, you know I love you.” “Peter, do you love me?” “Yes, Jesus. Yes, yes, I love you.” Right there, the three denials are erased by the three, “I love yous.” And as Peter is looking into Jesus’ eyes, he gets the sense that Jesus is the faithful one. He is faithful to me, and even though I have denied my Lord, He has forgiven me. He has healed me. He has restored me, because Jesus says to Peter, “Go and feed my sheep. Go and feed my sheep. Go and feed my sheep. You are my leader. You have been restored.” 

Blending Personalities Together by Showing Grace for Each Other

Kristi: The Enneagram really helped us to blend our personalities. You [Bill] as an Enneagram one were ordered and organized and like to be in control. And so learning to blend with me took a lot of humility, a lot of pausing and relying on Jesus and abandoning outcomes to Him. As an Enneagram two, my tendency is to hide and to just get all about helping you and serving you and not taking courage to rely on Jesus to bring what He’s given me to share. And so it was important work for me to not worry about what people would think of me and hide to secure myself, but instead to take courage and to share what He’s taught me. And as we’ve come to blend our personalities together, we’ve learned that we’re better together. 

“We’ve come to blend our personalities together, we’ve learned that we’re better together.” – Kristi Gaultiere 

Bill: We are so opposite. I’m a type A—thinker and doer, hard charger, moving fast, athlete, played football, powering through the line, very assertive. And you’re a type B—feeler, relator, more gentle, and God has taught us how to integrate those personalities in the ways that we teach and the ways that we speak and minister to people. 

Kristi: So we see Jesus as the perfection of each type, and we see Him like the visual Bible. The four hurts that damage our identity are anger, shame, anxiety, and sadness. And as we recognize these in our lives and we bring them into the light of our relationship with Jesus, we’re able to then receive and agree with His empathy and grace, and He restores us to enjoy His love and joy and peace and freedom. 

So for example, for me as an Enneagram 2, the most important soul care practice to have in my life is times of solitude, to be alone with Jesus where I can tune out all the competing voices in my life and listen to just Him. 

Jesus Calling is a great one of those and is a great tool for connecting us with God on a daily basis. I love how these devotionals are short, they’re powerful, they help us to tune with Jesus present to us. 

Jesus Listens, June 8th:

My living Lord, 

You are everything I could possibly need in a Savior-God, and You live in me! You fill me with radiant Life and Love. I want Your Life in me to overflow and impact other people. Please live through me and love through me as I interact with others. I ask that Your Love will grace my words and Your Light will reflect from my demeanor as I live in joyful dependence on You. 

In this world I often feel insufficient, but I know I am complete in You, Lord. All that I need for my salvation and spiritual growth is found in You. Through Your divine Power I have everything necessary to persevere in my journey toward heaven. You bless me with intimate knowledge of You, and You invite me to open up and share with You at the deepest levels—both my struggles and my delights. 

In Your victorious Name, Jesus, 

Amen 

Narrator: To learn more about Bill and Kristi’s work, please visit www.soulshepherding.org, and be sure to check out their new book, Healthy Feelings, Thriving Faith: Growing Emotionally and Spiritually Through the Enneagram, wherever you buy books. 

If you’d like to hear more stories about looking at the Enneagram through a spiritual lens, check out our Enneagram video series over on the Jesus Calling YouTube channel. 

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Next week: Jay Hewitt

Next time on the Jesus Calling Podcast, we’ll hear from pastor Jay Hewitt, who became determined to complete an IRONMAN while battling brain cancer, in the name of inspiring his daughter and stepping out in faith. 

Jay Hewitt: I’d wrestled with God plenty of times before, and I think that real strength comes from wrestling. When you wrestle with God, He strengthens your inner being. And so through earlier wrestlings, I had a feeling of, Where else would I go? God has been faithful, God has been gracious. I’m going to get to experience God’s power being demonstrated in my weakness.