5 Questions to Ask Your Friends at Coffee
“I know there is a time for planning, but it’s definitely not all the time—or even most of it. I really want to live in the present, where Your beautiful Presence awaits me continually.”
– Jesus Listens, September 27th
We have such a hard time living in the moment. We’re so quick to move on to the “next thing” despite having just arrived at the last thing. This is why, for example, the second we start dating someone, people start asking when we’re getting married. Or the day you get back from your honeymoon and everyone’s suddenly interested in when you’re having a kid. (Which is so awkward to talk about. They know how babies are made, right?!) The moment you have a baby, people want to know when you are having the next one. Or they ask, “Do you love your job? Do you think you’ll be there awhile? Are you planning to stay in your house or do you want to get a bigger one in a nicer neighborhood?”
For example, when I was dating my now husband, after six months, I started getting asked, “Is it serious? Which one of you is going to move to where he is in Nashville? Do y’all talk about getting married?” Which made me feel like I needed to have all the answers, when we were both just trying to figure it out.
Have you ever experienced this?
People are usually well-meaning when they ask these questions. But by adding to the pressure we can already feel about where we are in life, these questions compel us to look constantly ahead. Like we need to always be moving toward bigger life changes or events on our calendar.
And we are missing what is happening right now, right here.
Even in our day-to-day conversations with others, we get caught up in talking about what’s next.
Think about it: How often do you get asked the question, “What’s new?” when you’re catching up with a friend you haven’t seen in a week or maybe even months? Then suddenly you’re forced to reflect on what’s changed since you last talked. The dread begins to fill you. You realize not only is nothing new, but also nothing you hoped to be new has happened either. The spiral starts as you wonder: Does everyone except me have something new going on?
If you haven’t gone on a trip, started dating someone, gotten pregnant, or been given a promotion, this question can be paralyzing. Personally, it makes me wonder if my life is boring. But what if everyone else feels this way too?
What if we stop measuring whether life is noteworthy or worth celebrating based on these things?
The reality is that most of our minutes are spent in the mundane, not in the events and highlights. More than that: I think God offers abundance in the day-to-day, nothing-exciting-or-new moments of our life. Why else would we spend most of our time there? We can easily miss God’s presence when we aren’t being present.
Just read any of the Gospels and you’ll see that Jesus spent most of His time walking, sleeping, eating, drinking, spending time with His friends, spending time alone with God, and doing His ministry job. None of that was glamorous, it was just what was in front of Him each day, yet He fully lived each day. He knew what was ahead: suffering on the cross, a beautiful resurrection, and bringing His kingdom to earth. (You know, the actual big and grand things.) Yet He was faithful with what was in front of Him in the meantime. Jesus changed the world by simply living out His calling in his places, with His people. And you and I are called to do the same.
When we find ourselves aching for the next trip, for a relationship status to change, or for something in our lives to seem Instagram-worthy, I want us to remember that the minutes spent in the mundane make up our lives. Let’s not miss them.
I don’t know about you, but I want to change the conversations I’m having. Not only so I don’t feel like I’m behind in life when someone asks me for a life update, but so the people around me don’t feel that pressure either.
So here are 5 questions to ask instead of asking “What’s new?”
- What’s something you’ve learned lately?
- Have you read any good books, listened to any good podcasts, or watched any good shows?
- What is something you’ve enjoyed doing with friends lately?
- Is there something that’s been heavy on your mind?
- What’s one thing you are looking forward to this week?
These questions will make the other person feel seen, loved, and valued for who they are, not what they have going on. I’ve used them personally and can vouch that they do help deepen friendships. I save them on my phone and constantly add new ones so next time I’m grabbing coffee or going on a walk with a friend, I can love them by getting below the surface-level conversations.
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Meghan Ryan Asbury is an author and speaker who is passionate about helping people find and live out their God-given callings. She’s worked in ministry both on college campuses and internationally as well as with Proverbs 31 Ministries. When she’s not surrounded by friends, you can usually find her reading a book or doing something outdoors. A Florida beach girl born and raised, she and her husband currently live in Nashville, Tennessee. You can connect with her at AlwaysMeghan.com or https://www.instagram.com/meghanryanasbury.
