The Sacred Space of Sorrow: Erin Leigh Nelson & Allie Marie Smith
This episode mentions suicide and may be triggering for some listeners.
Erin Leigh Nelson: I felt God just lean in and say to me, “Your faith has always come from Me, and I’ve always been with you. It’s okay for you to not trust Me right now because I’m right here.” Over time, my faith actually began to rebuild in a new way—more alive than before.
The Sacred Space of Sorrow: Erin Leigh Nelson & Allie Marie Smith – Episode #471
Narrator: Welcome to the Jesus Calling Podcast. This week, we’ll hear from Erin Leigh Nelson, founding executive director of Jessica’s House, a grief support center for children, teens, young adults, and their families coping with the loss of a parent or sibling. Erin’s story is marked by deep personal loss—waves of tragedy that shaped her life and inspired a mission to help others heal. Through heartbreak and resilience, she’s found a way to create a space where young hearts can find hope, expression, and connection.
Later in the episode, we’ll hear from Allie Marie Smith, a writer, speaker, mental health advocate, and founder of Wonderfully Made, a nonprofit that helps young women discover their worth. Once a high-achieving student and athlete, Allie faced a battle with depression and trauma that reshaped her path.
Let’s begin with Erin’s story.
Erin Leigh Nelson: My name is Erin Nelson, and I’m the founding executive director of a grief support center called Jessica’s House. Jessica’s House supports children, teens, young adults, and their parents after the death of a parent or sibling.
I live in the Central Valley of California with my husband, Brian, and we have four children—three who are living and one who is waiting for us in heaven—and I have ten grandchildren.
Wave After Wave of Tragedy
In 1995, I was a young mom of two children—they were five and three. Tyler was an almond farmer and processor, and we were just starting our life in our family business when he wanted to go on a trip to Alaska with his friends to go fishing. I was visiting Tyler’s parents when a three AM phone call startled me awake. I don’t know why but I didn’t say hello. I just picked up the phone and asked what happened. Tyler’s brother, Gary, told me that Tyler’s plane had been involved in a mid-air collision, and there were no survivors.
And those words, “no survivors,” they just kind of went over and over in my mind as I picked my children up out of bed. Carrying my three-year-old, Cody, down the stairs and going out into the cold air of the night and just stuffing him into his car seat in his footy pajamas. And driving home that day—I remember just driving and watching the sunrise over the Monterey farmland and feeling like, How are all these people driving when something this terrible happened? And at the same time, I felt a very warm, comforting presence that I had never known.
A few months after Tyler’s death, my mom, who lived with bipolar disorder, died of suicide. It was one of the darkest times of my life. I felt a fragility that was just so hard to live with. And something about my mom’s death was that I wanted to talk about her like I did after Tyler died and also share in our sorrow. But I sensed that it was really hard for other people to come around that death and to talk about her. I wanted to talk about her life and how she would scoop up a spider in a tissue and let it outside. And she was so gentle and she was fun and so funny. And I wanted to remember how she slapped her knee when she laughed. I just wanted to remember her as my mom. My sister was fifteen at the time and came to live with the kids and I, and it’s when I first started to notice how teens and children process grief.
“The Darkness Will Hold You”
Over time, I met an amazing guy from our church. We were working together in the youth group, and we married and added two children to our family. Our first child—his name was Carter—was just such a gift because I had experienced such a long season of darkness, and I felt like he was just this bright light. As he grew up, he had just a love for cars and he loved music and he loved to lead worship at our church.
One night, when Carter was twenty years old, my husband shook me awake and told me that Carter had been involved in an accident. It was another phone call that just changed my reality. It was such a difficult time, and I remember just driving to the hospital, praying. You never really think that the unimaginable will touch your family. I had been serving children and families for about ten years at that point, and maybe there was a part of me that felt I wouldn’t have another death come home for us. But throughout the course of the day, we learned that his injuries were not survivable, so we gathered as a family around him to say goodbye.
My faith after Tyler’s death and after my mom’s death was steady, and it felt like such a lifeline. But after Carter died, I just had this sense that I felt just unsafe in the world. I wondered where God was and if He noticed. I had prayed so much for protection for my children, and I went into a raw place of grief.
“After Carter died, I just had this sense that I felt just unsafe in the world. I wondered where God was and if He noticed. I had prayed so much for protection for my children, and I went into a raw place of grief.” – Erin Leigh Nelson
They say that another parent that has lost a child, it’s like there’s a key that they hold to their heart. It’s like a passport in some way of coming alongside and having an understanding, and I experienced that new understanding. One morning, I sent a text to a friend who had also experienced the death of her child. I said, “I feel like I’m falling into the darkness.” She texted back, “The darkness will hold you.” I experienced this beholding of love that was so deep—and it was beautiful in some way—because I had this feeling of God surrounding me even in the darkness.
“I experienced this beholding of love that was so deep—and it was beautiful in some way—because I had this feeling of God surrounding me even in the darkness.” – Erin Leigh Nelson
Even as I was held by God’s love, I knew that He understood that I didn’t understand. There are so many parts of living earthside that are a mystery for all of us. I felt God just lean in and say to me, “Your faith has always come from Me, and I’ve always been with you. It’s okay for you to not trust Me right now because I’m right here.” Over time, my faith actually began to rebuild in a new way—more alive than before.
“I felt God just lean in and say to me, ‘Your faith has always come from Me, and I’ve always been with you. It’s okay for you to not trust Me right now because I’m right here.’ Over time, my faith actually began to rebuild in a new way—more alive than before.” – Erin Leigh Nelson
Jesus Calling was a devotional that meant so much to me. It struck me as a very different type of devotional because it was written, it seemed like, right to me. It brought me so much strength, and it felt like, especially for a grieving heart, it was exactly what I needed. It brought so much comfort and strength because the words seemed to be just right for what I needed.
Connecting with God every day was my lifeline. I remember even sleeping with my Bible after Tyler died with my children on my right and left side and just holding on to scriptures like, “God is the Father to the fatherless and He’s my strong tower. He’s the Defender of widows. To hold on to His promises, to know that He is there. [Psalm 68:5-6]” And I adopted a practice of just sitting in silence in God’s love for ten minutes every morning. I think it really did increase my intimacy with Him because I was able to be so honest and be in a place of unbelief for as long as it took. As I went on, it really deepened my desire to help others who were grieving.
“I adopted a practice of just sitting in silence in God’s love for ten minutes every morning. I think it really did increase my intimacy with Him because I was able to be so honest and be in a place of unbelief for as long as it took.” – Erin Leigh Nelson
Using Keys to the Heart to Unlock Healing
A lot of people may not understand that there’s such a fragility and loss after someone experiences a profound loss in their life, especially for a child who experiences the death of their sibling or their parent. Many times, they will worry about their surviving parent or sibling. It’s like they learn that really terrible things happen on this earth, and they may develop some anxiety about what could happen next. If a child does not have support, they do have risk factors—even early mortality. And those risk factors for their mental, emotional, and physical health really can make an impact on their life if they don’t have support.
The really good news is that there’s something that is well-researched called post-traumatic growth. What we know for a child—you can kind of think of it as a young tree that receives sunshine and water and nutrients and maybe their roots wrap around other trees and they keep them stable in the storms. When a child has that support, when they can express what they’re going through, when they can find ways of expression through art and music and play, they are more likely to experience that post-traumatic growth.
“When a child has that support, when they can express what they’re going through, when they can find ways of expression through art and music and play, they are more likely to experience that post-traumatic growth.” – Erin Leigh Nelson
It sparked in me a desire to come alongside others who were grieving, and that’s when this idea came into my mind to support other children and families who were grieving in my community. I first started ministering in my church, and then I learned about the Dougy Center in Portland, Oregon, who had a model of grief support for children and families. I gathered with others in my community to bring that grief support to our area.
A young girl in our community who lived with leukemia for several years, before she died, she was so generous to others. She would go to the hospital and learn that others had financial needs, and she would create art. She would sell it at our school and take those funds back to the families that she had met in the hospital. She wanted to do good in her short life. After her death—I was friends with her parents and our oldest children were friends—and it was natural to call this ministry Jessica’s House.
We’ve been open for thirteen years. Some of our youngest grievers who came into our program in 2012 are now in college, and they are pursuing helping fields. I had one young woman who was a child in our program recently tell me she’s coming for my job, and I really hope that happens someday.
We developed an acronym called CARE.
C is for caring for your body with healthy food and water and movement—maybe stretching and walking outdoors.
A is for accepting support now and always.
R is for resting often and keeping normal routines as much as possible because they stabilize children and families.
E is for expressing your emotions with others as they arise. We often say, “You have to express your grief the way you feel it.” And it’s a very organic process.
What we found at Jessica’s House is that if you don’t take the time to be with your healing, to surrender to the grief process that God has placed in each of us, then sometimes we can miss the depth of how much healing we can discover for ourselves. And so we don’t ever wanna skip over that grief process.
“If you don’t take the time to be with your healing, to surrender to the grief process that God has placed in each of us, then sometimes we can miss the depth of how much healing we can discover for ourselves.” – Erin Leigh Nelson
Narrator: To learn more about Erin Leigh Nelson, visit www.jessicashouse.org, and be sure to check out her new book, When Grief Comes Home: A Gentle Guide for Living Through Loss While Supporting Your Child, at your favorite retailer.
Stay tuned to Allie Marie Smith’s story after a brief message.
JESUS CALLING: STORIES OF FAITH Returns for Season 4!
Hey everyone, this is Faith Broussard Cade, your host for the fourth season of Jesus Calling: Stories of Faith on UPTV. We’re so excited to bring you inspiring stories of people from all walks of life, who have turned to their faith in times of struggle, and in times of joy. We’re going to hear from some extraordinary guests this season, including Julie Chen Moonves, who you might know as the host of Big Brother. We’ll also be joined by NFL Hall of Famer Terry Bradshaw and Light Heavyweight Champion boxer Andre Ward, GRAMMY award winning gospel singer BeBe Winans, the world renowned Italian tenor Andrea Bocelli, and actress Taraji P. Henson, in addition to many others. And of course, you’ll get to hear more about me and my story, too. I can’t wait to see you there. Stay tuned for the new season coming soon on UPTV!
Our next guest, Allie Marie Smith, is a speaker, life coach, and the visionary behind Wonderfully Made, which champions for young women to embrace their self-worth and prioritize mental well-being. Despite outward appearances of a perfect life, Allie secretly struggled with depression from an early age. Her personal journey of overcoming adversity, finding healing, and rediscovering herself now inspires her to guide others toward a hopeful existence.
Allie Marie Smith: I am Allie Marie Smith. I am a speaker, a life coach, a podcaster, the founder and CEO of Wonderfully Made—a ministry for girls and women—and I love writing books. I live in Santa Barbara County with my amazing husband Paul and our golden retriever Gidget.
I grew up in Silicon Valley, and I had wonderful parents and a bright future. I was super feisty and confident and I was always outside adventuring and playing sports. I always believed in God, and I saw Him in the beauty of creation all around me. But I didn’t understand that I could really have a friendship with Him.
A Shadow Looms Over a Bright Future
When I turned twelve, I began to experience these uninvited feelings of loneliness, unworthiness, and sadness. I really felt like I didn’t have a reason to be sad and it didn’t make sense, and that only made it worse. I started high school with really big hopes and dreams—on the outside, I was a straight A student, I was a standout soccer player, I had a lot of friends, I looked happy, and I wore a nice smile. To everyone around me—even my parents—it really looked like I had it all together. But every day was a battle. I was struggling silently, and no one knew. The way I coped was I hustled for my worth, and I pushed back against the depression through overachieving and through perfectionism.
“Every day was a battle. I was struggling silently, and no one knew. The way I coped was I hustled for my worth, and I pushed back against the depression through overachieving and through perfectionism.” – Allie Marie Smith
My junior year, when I was seventeen, something extremely traumatic happened to me that I never told anyone about for over fifteen years. Because of so many different complex factors—like the trauma, unhealed wounds, hormonal imbalances, a brain that was not functioning correctly, head trauma, perfectionism, negative thinking—all of these factors came together, and it really became the perfect storm for me. Two weeks after I graduated high school, I found myself in a really deep, deep depression. It was so bad that I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t talk, and I couldn’t sleep. My body was alive, but there wasn’t any life within me. I couldn’t stop thinking about ending the pain by ending my life. And so I was hospitalized, I was put on antidepressants, and I was sent home three days later after I promised the doctor that I wouldn’t hurt myself. But I lied.
“Because of so many different complex factors—like the trauma, unhealed wounds, hormonal imbalances, a brain that was not functioning correctly, head trauma, perfectionism, negative thinking—all of these factors came together, and it really became the perfect storm for me.” – Allie Marie Smith
There is a picture of me standing on the Golden Gate Bridge when I was about eleven years old. I had had the best day in San Francisco with my best friend. We went to Ghirardelli Square, and we went to Pier 39 and ate clam chowder in steaming sourdough bread bowls. On the bridge, my hair was blowing in the wind, and I had this massive smile on my face. Never would I have imagined that the summer after my first hospitalization, I would grab my car keys and sneak out of my house and head off to the same bridge to try to end my life by jumping off.
I was driving recklessly, and I was getting close to the bridge when I got a flat tire. I just sat in my car paralyzed, and I didn’t know what to do. And then suddenly there was a knock on my window and this silver-haired, kindhearted man came and asked me if he could call for roadside assistance and help me. And there was this single bumper sticker on his car that said Navy. My brother had just started school at the Naval Academy, and after not talking to anyone for weeks, I asked him if he had served in the Navy. I ended up having a real conversation with that man. My tire was fixed, and it just gave me a little hope in my heart, so I returned to my family.
Losing All Sense of Identity to Find Truth
Things really got worse that summer. I was accepted to a really prestigious university on the East Coast, three thousand miles away. I went along with it, but I really couldn’t even decide if I wanted to live or die. I had to go back home, and I was hospitalized again for three weeks. All these things that I placed my identity and my value and my worth in were really taken from me.
As the medication was really beginning to help—it really lifted me out of that depression—I asked for a Bible. I had never read the Bible in my whole life, and I turned to the stories of Jesus and saw that He loved the broken and He came to offer them hope and healing.
One day, we went into the hospital chapel and as a woman sang “Amazing Grace,” I was just overwhelmed by the invisible but supernatural love of Christ. And through a whispered prayer, I surrendered my life to Him. I decided that I was going to stop living for myself and that I was going to live for God.
I went back to college, and was doing well for a while. But my sophomore year, the depression returned with a vengeance. I just felt so abandoned by God. I thought that when I gave my life to Him, I wouldn’t have any more troubles or I would never struggle with mental health issues again. And it just left me feeling really hopeless.
“I just felt so abandoned by God. I thought that when I gave my life to Him, I wouldn’t have any more troubles or I would never struggle with mental health issues again.” – Allie Marie Smith
One day, I came across a prayer in the book of Psalms—it was Psalm 139:14. It says, “I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Your works are wonderful.” I know that full well… fearfully meaning lovingly and reverently made. And after reading that Psalm, I was like, I have been waiting my entire life to hear that I wasn’t an accident, that there was a God who intentionally and lovingly created me with awe and dignity and purpose, and that I was so loved and held by God. And right then, I knew that “wonderfully made” was the name of a movement, of an organization, that I was supposed to create. From the very beginning, I had big dreams for it, and today—twenty years later—we’re still going. Our mission is to help teen girls and young women know their God-given value, identity, purpose, and experience vibrant mental health and lead flourishing lives.
“I have been waiting my entire life to hear that I wasn’t an accident, that there was a God who intentionally and lovingly created me with awe and dignity and purpose, and that I was so loved and held by God.” – Allie Marie Smith
Reframing What Doesn’t Serve Us
I work really, really hard every day to do all that I can do to protect my joy and my mental health.
After you have an experience where you really could have lost your life, you begin to see every second as sacred. Today, one in three teen girls are seriously contemplating attempting suicide, and it’s time that we actually do something about it. There’s a lot of talk about what social media does to our mental health and how it’s not good for us, but we have agency and we don’t have to use it in a way that causes insecurity or depression or anxiety.
I love giving my free tip that I think will make everyone’s life better who uses it. This is what I did just over twelve years ago. I took all the apps off my phone and I have them on my iPad, and that has changed everything. Our brains are an organ like any other part of our body, and because of so many different factors, they can be unwell. We have to have compassion for ourselves and know that as we meditate on things that are true and good and lovely, God can actually heal those neural pathways in our brain. We can live better lives—lives of gratitude and wholeness—and live them to the fullest without any regrets.
“We have to have compassion for ourselves and know that as we meditate on things that are true and good and lovely, God can actually heal those neural pathways in our brain. We can live better lives—lives of gratitude and wholeness—and live them to the fullest without any regrets.” – Allie Marie Smith
If you’re listening and can relate to my story, or you’re having these dark thoughts, I just want to encourage you to just tell someone safe and [someone] that you love immediately. Do not keep this to yourself, and just be encouraged that so many people like myself have been in that place. You’re not broken. You have been chosen. You are so valuable and loved, and God has a hope and a future for you. This isn’t the end of your story—there is hope.
“You’re not broken. You have been chosen. You are so valuable and loved, and God has a hope and a future for you. This isn’t the end of your story—there is hope.” – Allie Marie Smith
Jesus Listens, February 27th:
Regal Jesus,
You are my best Friend as well as my King. I want to walk hand in hand with You through my life. Please help me face whatever today brings—pleasures, hardships, adventures, disappointments—relying on You each step of the way. I know that nothing is wasted when it’s shared with You.
Thank You, Lord, for giving me the ability to stay conscious of You while walking along dusty, earthbound paths. As Your Word declares, I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
In Your awesome Name,
Amen
Narrator: To learn more about Allie Marie Smith, visit www.wonderfullymade.org, and be sure to check out Allie’s new book, Social Media Reset: A 30-Day Guided Journey to Unplug, Reconnect with God, and Reclaim Your Joy, at your favorite retailer.
If you’d like to hear more stories about navigating sorrow, check out our interview with Jay Lowder.
Next week: David Thomas & Sissy Goff
Next time on the Jesus Calling Podcast, we’ll hear from David Thomas and Sissy Goff, co-executive directors of Daystar Counseling in Nashville. They share ways they help children navigate big feelings like anxiety, self-doubt, and jealousy, and how they help them learn emotional regulation techniques to help prepare them for adulthood.
David Thomas: We certainly want to help kids develop in that space of just not pushing those feelings down, but really working through those strong emotions and arming kids with an understanding that God has equipped us with these amazing abilities with something, for example, as simple as breathing, I could begin to slow down my heart rate. We love teaching kids about how God made our brains and bodies and that He’s given us these extraordinary abilities to do that settling—but it takes some work.
